|Written by Donnacha McGloinn|
Northsiders vs. Southsiders
The Great River Liffey divide
For as long as Dubliners have lived on either side of the River Liffey, there has been fierce debate as to which side contains the biggest pack of losers, criminals, and idiots. When Dublin first became fashionable in the Georgian era, the Northside was considered the place to be, no self-respecting aristocrat would want to spend time among the Southside lowlifes. Then, suddenly, the Earl of Kildare decided that, actually, he'd quite like to build his new palace on the Southside and, just like that, the whole argument got turned on its head and, to this day, Dublin's Northside is considered to be a sort of genetic waste bin for substandard Irish DNA ... well, perhaps not by the majority of Dubliners who, you know, actually live on the Northside.
Like so many things in Ireland, serious battles are fought with the ruthlessly cruel and brutally effective weapons of Irish wit and poetic scorn. A rich genre of Northsider vs. Southsider jokes has developed over the years that delight in portraying Northsiders as criminal, social welfare sponging sluts and Southsiders as clueless, spoiled rich kids. There is even an entry in the urban dictionary North Siders -v- Southsiders.
As a visitor to this lovely city, it is vital that you culturally acclimatize by familiarizing yourself with a selection these jokes but, don't worry, you will soon find yourself enjoying real-life versions of all these jokes. Pro Travel Tip: No passport is required for travel between the North and South sides of Dublin.
What separates humans from the animals?
What's the difference between a Northsider and Batman?
Batman can go shopping without Robin.
What is the first question during a Northside quiz night?
"What you looking at?"
How do you know when a Northside girl is having an orgasm?
She drops her chips.
Why do Southside girls date Northside guys?
To get their handbags back.
What is the difference between Northside girls and Southside girls?
Northside girls have fake jewelry and real orgasms.
What do Northsiders use for protection when having sex?
How do you get a Northsider to wear condoms?
Print Adidas stripes on them.
What do Southsiders use for protection?
What do you call four Northsiders in a limo?
What's the difference between Southside man and a Northside girl?
Northside girls have higher sperm counts.
What do you say to a Northsider with a new job
Big Mac and fries please.
How does a southsider get a day off work?
"Daddy I don't feel well."
What do you call a Northsider in a suit?
Two northsiders in a car without any music, who's driving?
Two Northsiders jump off a cliff, who wins?
What do you call a Northsider in a semi-detatched four bedroom house?
What's the difference between a Northside girl and a Southside girl?
After a gang-bang, the Southside girl writes thank you letters.
What do you call a Northsider in a white tracksuit?
What is a creche?
A head-on collision in Foxrock.
What do you call a 30-year-old Northsider woman?
Why do Northsiders keep pigeons?
To teach their children how to walk.
Why wasn't Jesus born on the Northside?
They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
Why should you never drive your car into a Northsider on a bike?
It might be your bike.
Northside version of the Fairy washing-up liquid advert:
"Ma..why are yer hands so soft?"
"Cos I'm only eleven."
Why are Northsiders like slinkies?
They have no real use, but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
How do you get a hundred Northsiders in a phone box?
Paint 3 stripes on it.
Did you hear about the new shampoo for Northsiders?
It's called Go 'N' Wash
A Southsider parks his BMW in Finglas. He sees a few local lads eyeing the car up and says to them "Lads if i park my car here will it still be here in the morning?"
One of the lads replies "Mister, if you park your car anywhere in Dublin, it will be here in the morning".
Saint Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a group of forty Northsiders. Peter tells them that there isn't enough room for all of them and goes off to ask God which ones he should let in.
"Pick the ten most righteous, for they shall join me in Heaven!" says God.
Ten minutes later Peter comes back to God,
"They're gone !!" he exclaims.
"What, all forty?!" asks God in disbelief.
"No, not the Northsiders!" wails Peter, "The fuckin' gates!"
Tracy, a Northsider, arrives at a Social Welfare Office to organize her weekly payment.
An Australian, a German and a Northsider are in the bar. In the corner, sitting by himself, is a man who looks familiar, but they can't work out who his is and it's driving them mad.
They stare and stare until, suddenly, the Northsider realizes: "Oh, the beard, of course, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Thrilled, they each send over a pint representing their nationality: a Fosters, a Becks, and a Guinness. Jesus is pleased, smiles over at the three men and swiftly downs each pint, one by one.
Wiping his mouth, Jesus stands up and walks over. He shakes the German's hand and thanks him for the Becks. As they shake, the German gasps in amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the Fosters and As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock "Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"
Jesus then turns to the Northsider but is surprised as he jumps up and knocks over a chair as he desperately scrambles away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong?" asks the bewildered Jesus.
"Fuck off, don't touch me!" screams the Northsider, "I'm on disability benefit!"